Ryan Mulcahy’s journey to from hell to recovery. He honorably served in the United States Navy for 10 years. He served as a Deep-Sea Diver Medical Technician / JSOC Freefall Jump Master that served within naval special warfare community. He got married while he was in the navy and became a father of two boys mason and Levi. Ryan's naval career was absolutely amazing, but the Navy had Ryan traveling all over the world approximal 300 days of the year was the average time away from his family and the amount of stress and trauma I was being exposed to was quickly brushed under the rug. I didn’t want to show anyone that I was struggling. Shit I didn’t know I was struggling. Ryan realized that I only have one shot at being a great father so I decided to leave the military to have more time to raising his boys Mason and Levi. Ryan decided to separate the Navy after 10 years and to move back to Arizona to become a fireman. He moved his family to Arizona without a job and leaving his successfully military career behind him. Ryan knew he had put himself in a scary stressful situation and knew he had to provide for his young family. He could of picked up a 9-5 job but he was following his childhood dream of becoming a fireman and thought once he was on the fire department, life would be easy and Ryan was expected to live happily ever after….well that wasn’t the case at all. Unknowing what he had coming in the future, Ryan he focused all his energy into achieve his firefighter dream and he was successful hired by Phoenix Fire Department on his first-time testing. He spent 5 years with Phoenix fire department and during that time Ryan suffered many physical and mental injuries that he was not aware he had. Constantly keeping himself busy with DIY projects to avoid what was truly going on in his heart mind and soul. Ryan was in so much teramole and I didn't know what was right or wrong, didn't know what was up or what was down. I was constantly looking to relieve my physical and mental injurie pain. I could not trust my own thoughts. I was getting drunk daily just to numb the pain and hope the pain would go away. Ryan tried to end his life because of the cribbing symptoms of PTSD and the inability to turn his brain off and he couldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts from coming in and sleep deprivation was slowly killing me every day. I was paranoid all the time, always felt like I was being watched, I would wake up every night at 3am finding myself naked holding my 9mm, clearing my house with my firearm, thinking there was a group trying to invade my home and take my family away from me . Ryan thought he could fix his problems on his own since he got himself in this deep hole. But after one dark night, drinking a whole bottle of bourbon, sitting by myself in the dark outside I wrote a list of people I wanted to attend my funeral, I was planning my death, I didn't feel like my current wife Kendall would actually care enough to make sure the important people in my life would be notified about my death/ my suicide. That night I attempted to overdoes on high potency promethazine and diphenhydramine 150mg of each intermuscular injections, I still had my medical supplies from the navy in my sick call case. I was fucking done with my life, I just wanted to die and not feel the fucking pain I couldn’t manage or control. I fucken lost my mind. The next morning I woke up around 3pm from my boys Mason and Levi waking me up wanting to play. They just wanted to spend time with the Dad they love unconditionally. I saw their joy and happiness in their eyes and I couldn’t stop fucking crying I had to walk away, I didn’t want my boys to see me so fucked up mentally……couldn’t stop feeling the hatred for myself and everyone around me, I was so ashamed of myself for even trying to take that happiness away from my own flesh and blood. I praised God for allowing me to live another day and to allowing me to see the love that God has for me and the love my boys have for me. I knew it was time…. I called MAYDAY for myself, I called my friend Mike Molitor, I couldn’t even say anything on the phone, I just fucken started crying. Mike knew I was struggling tremendously and got me the help I needed by reaching out to TJ Gennaro and Kerry Ramella from Fire Strong. That was the hardest call I’ve ever made. I never thought I would be asking for help, but that call saved and turned my life around. I want to thank phoenix fire department’s mental health expert Kerry Ramella, she brought me out of my darkest chapter in my life so far. I didn’t see a way out of this giant hole I dug myself in. But I never gave up. Kerry explained to me that it has taken 30 some years of trauma to dig the hole I was in, it’s going to take time to climb out of this situation. Kerry asked me a question that I couldn’t answer at the time; she ask, “What do I do for fun?” I laugh sickly, than responded back with, “fun, what the fuck is that?! I do not have time for fun! I need to fix my fucken mind!”. I was very angry and my body felt so broken and defeated, I forget how to have honest fun. So, Kerry told me to do things that make me happy and I listened, I started my healing process November 2020, I started listening to my heart and just started getting into woodworking, which I found to be my favorite daily therapy. I went to group therapy with a bunch a fireman, first time I attended a meeting I was thinking of every excuse I could of come up with to get out of it but I went, and I shared what was on my mind and I cried in front of a bunch of fireman and we laughed and we tried to fix each other’s problems the way fireman and vets would do, probably using some duct tape and bubble gum lol. We had Kerry there to keep us from preventing more harm to each other, ha-ha. The power of being able to share made me I feel better knowing others are going through a similar shit storm. I started listing to K Love on the Radio every time I’m in my truck, I started to expose my subconscious mind with positive intentions. I talked to a couple different counselors, did EMDR sessions with Jenifer Cooper which was very powerful and that helped me process through some of the shit that was in my head. Jennifer does amazing work with veterans and first responders. I met with psychiatrist, started taking medications to help my depression and paranoia symptoms, did 7 ketamine treatments over the course of 9 months with my psychiatrist “which I highly recommend to everyone”, than I saw a flyer for a 5 day wellness retreat, from an acquaintance I met at my fireman group therapy sessions, My marriage just feel apart and we started the divorce process, my business was struggling, I was financially dying, I was a raging alcoholic drinking every day to get drunk and numb my pain. and I figured why not, what is the worst that could happen. So I signed up for this retreat thinking it was a veteran retreat where we are going to be drinking around the firepit telling war stories and getting drunk. I was completely wrong. I found myself around a group of people I never really saw myself being accepted into. It was a giant hippy, love retreat was my first thought when I saw everyone gathering. My ego was screaming at me, asking me what the fuck are you doing Ryan, you don’t belong here. Look at all these hippies, they don’t have any idea of my struggles, there’s no way we can connect or even get along, they will never let someone like you into their “circle”, You’re wasting your time Ryan. But before I drove from phoenix to four corners campsite which is about 7.5 hours away. Deanna, the Boss Lady that organized this retreat asked me if I could do a favor and pick up some beach cruisers that were donated for the silent auction, of course I would why not, I located the bikes and threw them in my truck and along the way I was driving to this hippy retreat, not knowing how this weekend would be a giant pivot moment in my life. I arrive to retreat and delivered the bikes to Deanna and that was the very first time I met Deanne and Margaret. I could already feel their love and energy from just being around them. Deanne wanted to introduce me to her boyfriend. I see this man walking up to me and I fucken know him! Gus! What are you doing here!? I haven’t seen Gus in like 5 years since I left naval special warfare development group back in 2018. Gus was at this retreat to help his girl friend Deanne, this was her first large retreat her company has organized and Gus was there to just help her out and he told me that Deanne has been exposing me to this community and the benefits of psychedelic recovery coaching. I met Gus the very first weekend when I was stationed in Virginia Beach VA back in 2012. First time Gus and I met in Virginia is when Jeff Nodive ruptured his Achilles walking on the beach! Lol what a softy Jeff was lol. Gus and I always found each other at Jeff’s Superbowl parties and I work with Gus for 6 years while I was stationed at NSWDG. At that moment of seeing Gus, I was fill with Joy and laughter, I had the chills I would never forget. I knew I was in the exact right spot I was supposed to be. I felt that God has been lining this up for a very long time and I was just now realizing how all these coincidences are not coincidences, I believe coincidences are the signals God gives us to show us we are on our life purpose path. During the next couple days at this retreat, I was attending every workshop they offered, and the presentations and guest speakers Deanna had lined up where absolutely amazing and for me, the topics and everything they were saying and speaking, hit the nail on the head for me every single time! I kept asking myself, where the fuck have you all been my entire life?! The guest speakers were individuals that have survived remarkable amount of pain and suffering. I would consider them the .6 percent of fucken American heroes. So my first impression of this hippy love retreat turned out to be such a amazing journey and introduced me to my current life. One of the main topics of discussion at this retreat was about alternative medicines and therapies that can assist individuals to find their own peace and understanding. There was a MDMA ceremony on the last night and I have never been exposed to that drug before. Once I experienced the effects of the MDMA I felt my Heart Explode with Love from God our creator and God told me its ok to love yourself. Love yourself as you love me and I will take care of the rest. My MDMA experience allowed me to feel the feeling love again, which I haven’t felt before. Once I woke up the next morning after using MDMA I started packing my stuff of to head back to phoenix and I left all my left over beer my mini fridge that we had in our camper trailer. The beer I left has been the last booze I have ever bought. I was done drinking, that morning I realized every time I drink alcohol, the alcohol removes my God given happy amazing spirit and allows a drunk spirit or evil spirits to fill is place. My eyes have been opened and I’m so happy I have the rest of my life to live without alcohol controlling my every action. So now it’s been a cold turkey, no booze 164 days of no alcohol and everyday gets better and better. I’m excited to go to sleep and get sober restfully REM sleep, I wake up every day excited to continue to work on my life goals. Before that retreat I was taking my boys to school in the morning and then I would start drinking vodka at 10:30 am every day, but not anymore. I’m spending 18–20-hour days planning and working toward my vision. While I was attending that 5-day retreat in four corners, I ended up winning the silent auction for the Being True to You Recovery Coaching coarse, which is an intensive master level coaching curriculum that's approximately 6 months long. From the experience with MDMA and my exposure to Being true to You's coarse content I felt like God is in complete control of my new community and my surrounding. I’m able to integrate these amazing lessons into my life while feeling the benefits of sober living and getting great sleep. Since I decided to attend that “Hippy” retreat I have met some amazing, beautiful people that have given me the opportunity to go and learn more about myself and dive deeper into the plant medicine community. I just finished my first 2-night Ayawaska ceremony and that experience has shown me what I needed to see. I now feel more aligned with my mind, body and soul. I'm about to graduate Deanne’s Being True to You Psychospiritual integration Recovery Coach Coarse, Once I obtain my certification as an active recovery coach I will open my shop to my people I know best, Veterans, First Responders and Alcoholics. I will help individual find their light and find their path of enlightenment. Most importantly give them hope and excitement for what the future is going to bring to them if they allow it. Conclusion and where I’m at today and what’s next. My life goal is to help my brothers and sisters that are struggling with PTSD and help them find their true calling. I left the Phoenix fire department in April 2022 to pursue my dream and do what makes me happy in life. I currently run a successful small woodworking business RaisingDIY LLC out of my garage, we make retirement plaques and gifts of appreciation for veterans, phoenix fire department, Mesa Swat and Arizona department of corrections. My goal is to expand my shop and to create a container that will allow me to show members the benefits of working with your hands and creating something beautiful out of raw materials. Raising DIY's mission is to give confidence in our members and provide a place for veterans and first responders to hang out, talk to one another and to build whatever you want, utilizing the top-of-the-line equipment and spending their time and energy into creating something to be proud of, instead of going to the bar after shift and drowning their sorrows with booze. I’m here to truly help those who are suffering in silents, those who don’t know who to talk to about what’s going on in their head. I know, “you don’t want to let people in. You don’t want to let anyone know how fucked up your mental health is. You are supposed to have your shit together all the time, You are the best of the best, this can’t happen to you.”, you may think your wife doesn’t understand and you’re absolutely right! Talking to someone that’s cut from the same cloth will understand your bullshit and will help you organize the shit tornado in your life right now. I rather you get me a call and just start fucken talking. When you start vocalizing your thoughts, you activate your Vagus nerve which allows you to start to process what you’re saying, you will be decompressing that trauma that has been driving You fucken nuts for who knows how long! “When the vagus nerve is toned and functions well, the ventral vagal branch serve to activate the parasympathetic systems: putting “the Brakes” on the sympathetic system arousal, the fight-flight response that occur through trauma exposure and in PTSD.”-Google. I rather you fucking pick up the phone and call Travis or I and we will start the healing process or call someone you trust, do something else then sitting around another minute in your chaotic mindset, you’re probably drinking, probably taking all the online quizzes regarding PTSD or Alcohol abuse. Guess what, its time to ask for help. Everyone can heal and change their situation. I’ve been there, I know it fucken hurts and you have tremendous about of angry and rage and emotion on what’s been on your mind. You might think you are fucking nuts and might be embarrassing. Well, now you know some of my backstory, so if you ever need to talk to a complete stranger about crazy shit, I’m here for you. I have your back. Well that was a long journaling session today, I truly hope this helps someone and to be honest it felt amazing writing this out. Our community needs to do a better job sharing our stories of struggle, you never know how your story will affect someone else. I hope this helps and gives hope to those who desperately need it. The pain and the struggles we are going through is part of the transformation. All the pain, traumas and struggles in your life, needed to happen in order for you to grow into the person you are suppose to be…. Pain and struggles are the fuel for change. The power is yours.
Remember fuckers, Just Breathe! Much Love, Ryan Mulcahy www.RaisingDIY.com “You Dream It, We Build It”