One of my field training officers, the best cop I've ever met, recently sent me the link to your Cleared Hot podcast episode. He sent the link because of a recent call I took that was kicking my ass...well kicking my head. After just shy of four years on the road (yes I'm still a rookie), I was selected to become a Detective within our County Department.
One of the cases that landed in my lap involved the long term abuse and torture type actions taken towards a 13 year old girl. We were not sure if she would make it at first. However, I am happy to say she is improving far beyond our expectations.
While I have not been in law enforcement for long, I have had my fair share of shit calls. Multiple child related calls, including infant deaths. However, I was confused why none of those calls hit me the way this child abuse case hit.
I dove head first into this abuse case, and became /still am obsessed with ensuring this is such an airtight case that the prosecutors will not even consider deals. My goal is to give this young girl the peace of mind that she will NEVER have to be afraid she'll run into her abusers at the grocery store.
However, this case has cost me a lot. The tears have been overflowing. The restless nights, foggy days. I thought I was getting "better" and acting more "normal" and then the prelim came. I regressed and am still in the thick of this emotional battle.
That is why my FTO sent me your podcast. I felt like a wimp and weak that I only made it 4 years before my bucket got too full. I was upset that I broke on such a "slow paced" case. And while I can't say I've fully come to terms with what I am dealing with, I can say listening to your podcast helped.
So much resonated with me. And you verbalized what I had only ever thought. There is no doubt you are a badass in the best way. Of all the calls you took, for it to be one very similar to the one I had that challenged you, was a sign that maybe I'm not weak. Maybe I can't control how I am affected by these things we see. As I listened to your story, I had an adverse physiological response which further indicated that I can't control this and I am not being over dramatic.
Your interview made me feel more okay with the journey I am on. It gave me hope that since I dove into therapy right away, that maybe I'll be okay.
So all this to say, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your years of service. Thank you for helping me feel less of a failure and more of a human.